OVER THE LINE!...Mark it Zero.

Working out is a hobby of mine. I like to mix in the occasional pick-up hoops game, or perhaps some racquetball. I love the facilities at my gym, and for the most part everyone there is good people. However, the locker room is a different world that, after years of exposure, I have yet to acclimatize.

I am not a “never-nude” like Tobias Funke, but I always wear a towel in the midst of nude males. It is a good rule. Feel free to adopt it.

My problem lies with the men who insist on exceeding their time for acceptable nudity in the locker room. There are many things you can do with a towel on: Brush your teeth, comb your hair, shave, and put on deodorant. Nudity is not a requirement, so slap on a towel.

As annoying as these guys are, I can deal with them. I will not make eye contact in the locker room with anyone whose first name is not known by me (feel free to adopt this rule as well). Even if the first name is known, any conversation has to have a towel involved.

The locker room guys who I cannot deal with are the old dudes who blow-dry their balls. Seriously. For like 5 minutes. I am in my mid-20s, and at no point have I ever considered this technique. A towel has always done me right. Is there something that happens genetically at the age of 40 that provides your taint with rice patty-like moisture that even the finest Egyptian cotton cannot quench? Are the colon/prostate check ups required by adult males actually annual commercial-grade grundle cleanings by a medical professional? I can unequivocally express that I am not looking forward to the day my nether regions require a daily ritual of heated air to keep my underwear comfortably dry.

The positions that these men put their bodies in to accomplish this feat are impressive, but ever so disturbing, and need to be done in the privacy of one’s home.

Oh ya, one last thing…children should be required to wear at least a bathing suit at all times when in a locker room setting.

This is not ‘Nam, there are rules…or at least there should be.