What's your name again?
Thanks for not cheapening this...
Oww!! wrong whole! wrong whole!
Friday, May 30, 2008
OVER THE LINE!...Mark it Zero.
Working out is a hobby of mine. I like to mix in the occasional pick-up hoops game, or perhaps some racquetball. I love the facilities at my gym, and for the most part everyone there is good people. However, the locker room is a different world that, after years of exposure, I have yet to acclimatize.
I am not a “never-nude” like Tobias Funke, but I always wear a towel in the midst of nude males. It is a good rule. Feel free to adopt it.
My problem lies with the men who insist on exceeding their time for acceptable nudity in the locker room. There are many things you can do with a towel on: Brush your teeth, comb your hair, shave, and put on deodorant. Nudity is not a requirement, so slap on a towel.
As annoying as these guys are, I can deal with them. I will not make eye contact in the locker room with anyone whose first name is not known by me (feel free to adopt this rule as well). Even if the first name is known, any conversation has to have a towel involved.
The locker room guys who I cannot deal with are the old dudes who blow-dry their balls. Seriously. For like 5 minutes. I am in my mid-20s, and at no point have I ever considered this technique. A towel has always done me right. Is there something that happens genetically at the age of 40 that provides your taint with rice patty-like moisture that even the finest Egyptian cotton cannot quench? Are the colon/prostate check ups required by adult males actually annual commercial-grade grundle cleanings by a medical professional? I can unequivocally express that I am not looking forward to the day my nether regions require a daily ritual of heated air to keep my underwear comfortably dry.
The positions that these men put their bodies in to accomplish this feat are impressive, but ever so disturbing, and need to be done in the privacy of one’s home.
Oh ya, one last thing…children should be required to wear at least a bathing suit at all times when in a locker room setting.
This is not ‘Nam, there are rules…or at least there should be.
I am not a “never-nude” like Tobias Funke, but I always wear a towel in the midst of nude males. It is a good rule. Feel free to adopt it.
My problem lies with the men who insist on exceeding their time for acceptable nudity in the locker room. There are many things you can do with a towel on: Brush your teeth, comb your hair, shave, and put on deodorant. Nudity is not a requirement, so slap on a towel.
As annoying as these guys are, I can deal with them. I will not make eye contact in the locker room with anyone whose first name is not known by me (feel free to adopt this rule as well). Even if the first name is known, any conversation has to have a towel involved.
The locker room guys who I cannot deal with are the old dudes who blow-dry their balls. Seriously. For like 5 minutes. I am in my mid-20s, and at no point have I ever considered this technique. A towel has always done me right. Is there something that happens genetically at the age of 40 that provides your taint with rice patty-like moisture that even the finest Egyptian cotton cannot quench? Are the colon/prostate check ups required by adult males actually annual commercial-grade grundle cleanings by a medical professional? I can unequivocally express that I am not looking forward to the day my nether regions require a daily ritual of heated air to keep my underwear comfortably dry.
The positions that these men put their bodies in to accomplish this feat are impressive, but ever so disturbing, and need to be done in the privacy of one’s home.
Oh ya, one last thing…children should be required to wear at least a bathing suit at all times when in a locker room setting.
This is not ‘Nam, there are rules…or at least there should be.
A Hearty Welcome
After an exhaustive search, thorough screening process, and extensive interviews, we have added a new writer to our staff. Being, "The most interesting blog in the room," and all, we have experienced such resounding early success that this was an inevitable need. So, we would like to welcome Wolfram to the blog.
To date he is the only reader to know the story behind the title of our blog, and we were comforted in our selection of him, when we immediately caught the pop culture reference of his pin name. He is quite intelligent and with his sharp wit, we fully expect him to exceed us in posting popularity.
We anxiously await your inaugural posting...if it sucks we'll just cut-off your access...no pressure.
Libertarians
Despite the fact that the Ron Paul Revolution has been squashed, we're still seeing a number of bumper stickers and signs each day. Frankly, we're curious as to what planet these people live on, or at least what country they've been living in. We'd love to be Libertarians, believe us, the basic tenets sound so great: Life, Liberty, Property, agrarian society, Don't Tread on Us, etc. In fact most of our political-related heroes were either Libertarian or at least preached it's value; Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Paine, de Tocqueville, John Stuart Mill just to name a few. The thought of a minimalist state that emphasizes the individual sounds awesome...but have you looked around at the "individuals" recently?
Libertarians put a lot of faith in us humans. The entire success of their belief system is not only that people are inherently good, but that people are also intelligent, responsible and have common goals. We say wake-up and smell the coffee. The majority of people are idiots, many would steal from there own mothers, and there is a good number that, either do to their own deficiencies or a lack of opportunity, just plain-and-simple can't take care of themselves. If the individuals were left to be kings of their own castles, we'd be left with so much destitution that it would eventually drag down the quality of life of the wealthy and highly educated folks that makeup the foot soldiers of Ron Paul's Revolution.
We can see how perhaps, Libertarianism would be a viable option in wealthy, homogeneous countries with small populations, such as those with Scandinavian crosses on their flags, but we find it funny, that these countries--whom always seem to lead quality of life lists--are as close to socialist states as can be.
Libertarians put a lot of faith in us humans. The entire success of their belief system is not only that people are inherently good, but that people are also intelligent, responsible and have common goals. We say wake-up and smell the coffee. The majority of people are idiots, many would steal from there own mothers, and there is a good number that, either do to their own deficiencies or a lack of opportunity, just plain-and-simple can't take care of themselves. If the individuals were left to be kings of their own castles, we'd be left with so much destitution that it would eventually drag down the quality of life of the wealthy and highly educated folks that makeup the foot soldiers of Ron Paul's Revolution.
We can see how perhaps, Libertarianism would be a viable option in wealthy, homogeneous countries with small populations, such as those with Scandinavian crosses on their flags, but we find it funny, that these countries--whom always seem to lead quality of life lists--are as close to socialist states as can be.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
My Morning Jacket
Our most anticipated album release of the year is My Morning Jacket's, Evil Urges which will hit stores in under two weeks. For our money, MMJ is the most underrated band around. When they first hit the scene, about ten years ago now, they were a good Southern rock band. They had the standard rock/country sound along the lines of an Allman Brothers or Black Crows, but over the years they've grown musically to the point where they are just about without genre. They've kept their Southern roots, but have gradually mixed in a strong indie feel, helped by they're growing psychedelic sound and lead singer, Jim James ethereal voice. We're always surprised at how many people have never listened to them, or even heard of them. So check out My Morning Jacket over the next week or so, we're confident that if you have any music taste at all you'll be joining us this June 10th at their iTunes page.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Eastern Conference
We are sentimental. Our favorite movies, books and television shows are all from our childhood, so it should come as no surprise that we are pulling for the Pistons. As Colorado middle-school basketball superstars, we won a contest to attend a Magic Johnson basketball clinic, free-of-charge, in Denver for the best basketball playe...errrr local news stations, of the state. Also in attendance was a high school sophomore named Chuancey Billups.
Back then Chauncey rocked, not one, but two lightning bolts in his hair, and as the best player at George Washington High School, he was the best player in the state. We were in awe!!! And for good reason, he dazzled us, he dazzled Magic, and he dazzled the crowd.
We have loved Ray Allen (one of our all-time favorites) since his UCONN days, and KG has won us over this year, with his heart and fire, but when push comes to shove, we will always push for Chauncey, lightning bolts or not...
Back then Chauncey rocked, not one, but two lightning bolts in his hair, and as the best player at George Washington High School, he was the best player in the state. We were in awe!!! And for good reason, he dazzled us, he dazzled Magic, and he dazzled the crowd.
We have loved Ray Allen (one of our all-time favorites) since his UCONN days, and KG has won us over this year, with his heart and fire, but when push comes to shove, we will always push for Chauncey, lightning bolts or not...
Regrets
Disclaimer: This post is longer than our usual quick-hitters, but in celebration of our 50th posting, we thought we'd test your attention spans. It is one of our favorites, so if too long, read some and just come back for more later.
We were talking to an old acquaintance the other day, whom we rarely see. Over a beer, or five, the topic of discussion surprisingly, and unfortunately, shifted from small-talk bullshit, to regrets. Now, we are far too shallow, and content with our current state of affairs, to have been able to join in on this part of the conversation, but we did our best. As our companion rambled on about lost chicks, lost opportunities, lost hair, etc., we eventually tuned him out and went searching into the depths of our memories to find a good regret; of course throwing-out the obligatory, "Oh no she di...int!" when the timing was appropriate.
We gave it our best shot and came up empty. We have no:
"She's the one that got away."
"This itching and burning will not go away!"
"Oh, I could do that fifteen pounds ago."
"Damn! I shouldn't have married that bitch."
"I shouldn't have shot that man in Reno, just to watch him die."
"Fuck, those highlighted tips looked stupid."
So, with regret on the brain, we called the staff together to see if everyone here at No-Look had a similar lack of regrets. While no one had any real juicy ones, we did come up with a solid list of things that, while they lack long-term ramifications, they are regrets nonetheless. The kinds of things that when you do them, that internal voice (usually in your mother's voice) calls out, "You shouldn't be doing this..." Here are the most common staff answers:
Hooking-up with someone you meet after 1am
Face it you're drunk, and the reason you're out in the first place is because you're horny. This is not a good combination for selecting anything but the "Wounded Buffalo" from a group of girls. Her friends are pushing it, and are so excited, because SwampDonkey is just so nice, and it's about time a guy (a guy who's not hot enough for them to fight-to-the-death over...and they would) shows her some attention. Your friends are pushing it, because well, they're your friends...and it will be hilarious for you and SwampDonkey to get-it-on.
Cigars
They always sound like such an awesome idea. What better way to bond with your boys, than to act like big-timers by puffing on cigars. We always get pumped when the cigars get brought out. We get so stoked that with the accompanying buzz from the obligatory whiskey chaser, we've been known to choke down two. Ughhhhhhhhhh... nothing makes you feel worse the next day, well, save for waking-up on top of a mustachioed (female) Mexican tramp, than a cigar(s).
Starting conversations with old people
Outside of our grandfather, who is easily one of the saltiest dudes alive, we don't like old people. Now before you get all jumpy, please realize that we're not discriminating here, we pretty much don't like anyone who isn't smokin-hot with long-legs and at least a B-cup, but today we bring attention to the elderly. From time-to-time, usually when trying to make one of the above referenced vixens think that we're sensitive, we'll strike up conversations with old people, and we always immediately regret it. "Hey blue hair!!! Have you ever heard of a two-way conversation. I know you can't hear, but do what I do to you--ask a question you already know the answer to, and then just pretend to listen for awhile with some, 'Well I'll be's' and head nods sprinkled in every once in awhile."
Indian Food
Over the last few years globalization has brought to our Central Texas hamlet, a number of Indian people (red dot, not red feather). Always the champion for cultural and ethnic diversity, we have welcomed our new neighbors with open arms and empty stomachs, because with a growing Indian population has come a growing number of Indian restaurants. We looooooove spicy food, love it, and therefore we love us some jalfrasi and vindaloo, but damn!!!! that shit kills us. We once thought Lone Star Beer was king of The Mookies, but it's got nothing on Indian food.
Saying "I do"
Purely speculative...
We were talking to an old acquaintance the other day, whom we rarely see. Over a beer, or five, the topic of discussion surprisingly, and unfortunately, shifted from small-talk bullshit, to regrets. Now, we are far too shallow, and content with our current state of affairs, to have been able to join in on this part of the conversation, but we did our best. As our companion rambled on about lost chicks, lost opportunities, lost hair, etc., we eventually tuned him out and went searching into the depths of our memories to find a good regret; of course throwing-out the obligatory, "Oh no she di...int!" when the timing was appropriate.
We gave it our best shot and came up empty. We have no:
"She's the one that got away."
"This itching and burning will not go away!"
"Oh, I could do that fifteen pounds ago."
"Damn! I shouldn't have married that bitch."
"I shouldn't have shot that man in Reno, just to watch him die."
"Fuck, those highlighted tips looked stupid."
So, with regret on the brain, we called the staff together to see if everyone here at No-Look had a similar lack of regrets. While no one had any real juicy ones, we did come up with a solid list of things that, while they lack long-term ramifications, they are regrets nonetheless. The kinds of things that when you do them, that internal voice (usually in your mother's voice) calls out, "You shouldn't be doing this..." Here are the most common staff answers:
Hooking-up with someone you meet after 1am
Face it you're drunk, and the reason you're out in the first place is because you're horny. This is not a good combination for selecting anything but the "Wounded Buffalo" from a group of girls. Her friends are pushing it, and are so excited, because SwampDonkey is just so nice, and it's about time a guy (a guy who's not hot enough for them to fight-to-the-death over...and they would) shows her some attention. Your friends are pushing it, because well, they're your friends...and it will be hilarious for you and SwampDonkey to get-it-on.
Cigars
They always sound like such an awesome idea. What better way to bond with your boys, than to act like big-timers by puffing on cigars. We always get pumped when the cigars get brought out. We get so stoked that with the accompanying buzz from the obligatory whiskey chaser, we've been known to choke down two. Ughhhhhhhhhh... nothing makes you feel worse the next day, well, save for waking-up on top of a mustachioed (female) Mexican tramp, than a cigar(s).
Starting conversations with old people
Outside of our grandfather, who is easily one of the saltiest dudes alive, we don't like old people. Now before you get all jumpy, please realize that we're not discriminating here, we pretty much don't like anyone who isn't smokin-hot with long-legs and at least a B-cup, but today we bring attention to the elderly. From time-to-time, usually when trying to make one of the above referenced vixens think that we're sensitive, we'll strike up conversations with old people, and we always immediately regret it. "Hey blue hair!!! Have you ever heard of a two-way conversation. I know you can't hear, but do what I do to you--ask a question you already know the answer to, and then just pretend to listen for awhile with some, 'Well I'll be's' and head nods sprinkled in every once in awhile."
Indian Food
Over the last few years globalization has brought to our Central Texas hamlet, a number of Indian people (red dot, not red feather). Always the champion for cultural and ethnic diversity, we have welcomed our new neighbors with open arms and empty stomachs, because with a growing Indian population has come a growing number of Indian restaurants. We looooooove spicy food, love it, and therefore we love us some jalfrasi and vindaloo, but damn!!!! that shit kills us. We once thought Lone Star Beer was king of The Mookies, but it's got nothing on Indian food.
Saying "I do"
Purely speculative...
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Writer's Block
We have fallen victim to writer's block today. So to inspire us, and you, here is the most inspirational TV theme song of all-time:
It's my life, and my dreams,
and nothings gonna stop me now!!!
It's my life, and my dreams,
and nothings gonna stop me now!!!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Memorial Day
We are neither team players nor good with authority figures, so it should come as no surprise that we don't really get the whole military thing. Not that the thought of tearing down ones individuality to reshape them into a highly-trained, easily replaceable piece, doesn't sound awesome, but it's just not for us. However just because we don't get it, doesn't mean we don't respect it.
A few years ago, we were backpacking through France, and decided to make a pilgrimage to the Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial. You may know it as the cemetery at the beginning and end of Saving Private Ryan, where old Matt Damon, and his smoking hot granddaughters, visit Tom Hank's grave. Anyway, the cemetery was part of a tour we took that included visiting the historic beaches and bunkers of D-Day. It was an incredible experience that was made even better because our sole accomplice that day was a young man named Danny, from Riverside, California, who had just finished up his commitment to the Marines, and a tour in Iraq.
He was not like us--a minority, tough-as-nails, no college, strikingly handsome, well-spoken and of-course a Marine. He was just like us--early 20's, pensive, cynical and skeptical of the Iraq thing, nuts about French chicks (there are none sexier), and unsure of how he'd react to the picturesque hills of white crosses (and Stars of David) which we were about to see.
Like Danny, we arrived with excitement but were fearful of a star-spangled propaganda outpost, but our fears were quickly vanquished, because the cemetery could not have been more beautiful and appropriate. The reverence and veneration that the place inspires is incredible and getting to be there with a serviceman of our generation was truly Memorable.
We plan on spending the remainder of this holiday watching Band of Brothers, while horizontal and intoxicated, but before we go, a whole-hearted thank you to the men and women who have put their lives on the line, for causes (right or wrong, just or unjust) bigger than themselves.
A few years ago, we were backpacking through France, and decided to make a pilgrimage to the Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial. You may know it as the cemetery at the beginning and end of Saving Private Ryan, where old Matt Damon, and his smoking hot granddaughters, visit Tom Hank's grave. Anyway, the cemetery was part of a tour we took that included visiting the historic beaches and bunkers of D-Day. It was an incredible experience that was made even better because our sole accomplice that day was a young man named Danny, from Riverside, California, who had just finished up his commitment to the Marines, and a tour in Iraq.
He was not like us--a minority, tough-as-nails, no college, strikingly handsome, well-spoken and of-course a Marine. He was just like us--early 20's, pensive, cynical and skeptical of the Iraq thing, nuts about French chicks (there are none sexier), and unsure of how he'd react to the picturesque hills of white crosses (and Stars of David) which we were about to see.
Like Danny, we arrived with excitement but were fearful of a star-spangled propaganda outpost, but our fears were quickly vanquished, because the cemetery could not have been more beautiful and appropriate. The reverence and veneration that the place inspires is incredible and getting to be there with a serviceman of our generation was truly Memorable.
We plan on spending the remainder of this holiday watching Band of Brothers, while horizontal and intoxicated, but before we go, a whole-hearted thank you to the men and women who have put their lives on the line, for causes (right or wrong, just or unjust) bigger than themselves.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Put a cork in it, Zane!!!
Isn't Titanic like the highest grossing movie in history? We tried watching it for the first time today, and just couldn't make it through. We like DiCaprio, and with it being such a popular flick, we wanted to like it--but we couldn't take it seriously. Every time the villain, a Mr. Billy Zane, appeared on screen, all we could think about is Zoolander.
Jackpot
Pizarro had his El Dorado, Coronado, his Cibola, and we've long searched for a legendary land ourselves. But ours is not of gold-filled streets, but rather of golden-tanned legs. We've long heard legends of places where flocks of stunning women regularly congregate, but outside of the sorority houses of "safety schools" and Jack Johnson concerts, we've been unable to find them.
That is until this morning at Gateway Community Church. It was incredible!!! Droves and droves of gorgeous young women, and many were attending solo. Just as surprising was this house worship's dress code, or rather the lack thereof. Cleavage-wielding necklines and thigh exposing dresses were all the rage. So much so that we felt compelled to let out a rousing Hallelujah!
Friday, May 23, 2008
;-)
We can't think of anything more gay than including one of those colon-parentheses smiley faces in an email, but we just caught ourselves putting not one, but two, in an email to a girl we like. We hate that we did it, and stared at the computer screen for a good 20 minutes, debating whether or not to remove them. In the end, we decided that, gay as they are, it was the only way to make sure that said girl would recognize that a few of our statements were sarcastic and written in jest.
We're between the proverbial rock and hardplace -- go with the smileys and feel like an asshat and run the risk of looking like a pussy, go without smileys and run a greater risk, since she doesn't know us that well, of looking like a jerk.
We know that the No-Look has a strong female following and we would like to ask you if it's better for a guy to come across as insensitive (sans smiley) or gay (smileys)?
To the male readers, should we just castrate ourselves now, or are we just out-of-touch with the times? Are typed smiley faces common practice and acceptable when e-courting?
We're between the proverbial rock and hardplace -- go with the smileys and feel like an asshat and run the risk of looking like a pussy, go without smileys and run a greater risk, since she doesn't know us that well, of looking like a jerk.
We know that the No-Look has a strong female following and we would like to ask you if it's better for a guy to come across as insensitive (sans smiley) or gay (smileys)?
To the male readers, should we just castrate ourselves now, or are we just out-of-touch with the times? Are typed smiley faces common practice and acceptable when e-courting?
Ice Cube's got Nothing on Us
Our temp job ended yesterday, we've got an open ended weekend, and this morning HBO has greeted us with this:
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Funny Link
We don't really particularly like "The Deer Hunter," and pretty much think Robert DeNiro is the most overrated actor around, but we found this site today, and had a big laugh. Maybe you will too:
http://thesportshernia.typepad.com/blog/2008/05/pau-gasol-still.html
http://thesportshernia.typepad.com/blog/2008/05/pau-gasol-still.html
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