Regrets

Disclaimer: This post is longer than our usual quick-hitters, but in celebration of our 50th posting, we thought we'd test your attention spans. It is one of our favorites, so if too long, read some and just come back for more later.

We were talking to an old acquaintance the other day, whom we rarely see. Over a beer, or five, the topic of discussion surprisingly, and unfortunately, shifted from small-talk bullshit, to regrets. Now, we are far too shallow, and content with our current state of affairs, to have been able to join in on this part of the conversation, but we did our best. As our companion rambled on about lost chicks, lost opportunities, lost hair, etc., we eventually tuned him out and went searching into the depths of our memories to find a good regret; of course throwing-out the obligatory, "Oh no she di...int!" when the timing was appropriate.

We gave it our best shot and came up empty. We have no:

"She's the one that got away."

"This itching and burning will not go away!"

"Oh, I could do that fifteen pounds ago."

"Damn! I shouldn't have married that bitch."

"I shouldn't have shot that man in Reno, just to watch him die."

"Fuck, those highlighted tips looked stupid."

So, with regret on the brain, we called the staff together to see if everyone here at No-Look had a similar lack of regrets. While no one had any real juicy ones, we did come up with a solid list of things that, while they lack long-term ramifications, they are regrets nonetheless. The kinds of things that when you do them, that internal voice (usually in your mother's voice) calls out, "You shouldn't be doing this..." Here are the most common staff answers:

Hooking-up with someone you meet after 1am
Face it you're drunk, and the reason you're out in the first place is because you're horny. This is not a good combination for selecting anything but the "Wounded Buffalo" from a group of girls. Her friends are pushing it, and are so excited, because SwampDonkey is just so nice, and it's about time a guy (a guy who's not hot enough for them to fight-to-the-death over...and they would) shows her some attention. Your friends are pushing it, because well, they're your friends...and it will be hilarious for you and SwampDonkey to get-it-on.

Cigars
They always sound like such an awesome idea. What better way to bond with your boys, than to act like big-timers by puffing on cigars. We always get pumped when the cigars get brought out. We get so stoked that with the accompanying buzz from the obligatory whiskey chaser, we've been known to choke down two. Ughhhhhhhhhh... nothing makes you feel worse the next day, well, save for waking-up on top of a mustachioed (female) Mexican tramp, than a cigar(s).

Starting conversations with old people
Outside of our grandfather, who is easily one of the saltiest dudes alive, we don't like old people. Now before you get all jumpy, please realize that we're not discriminating here, we pretty much don't like anyone who isn't smokin-hot with long-legs and at least a B-cup, but today we bring attention to the elderly. From time-to-time, usually when trying to make one of the above referenced vixens think that we're sensitive, we'll strike up conversations with old people, and we always immediately regret it. "Hey blue hair!!! Have you ever heard of a two-way conversation. I know you can't hear, but do what I do to you--ask a question you already know the answer to, and then just pretend to listen for awhile with some, 'Well I'll be's' and head nods sprinkled in every once in awhile."

Indian Food
Over the last few years globalization has brought to our Central Texas hamlet, a number of Indian people (red dot, not red feather). Always the champion for cultural and ethnic diversity, we have welcomed our new neighbors with open arms and empty stomachs, because with a growing Indian population has come a growing number of Indian restaurants. We looooooove spicy food, love it, and therefore we love us some jalfrasi and vindaloo, but damn!!!! that shit kills us. We once thought Lone Star Beer was king of The Mookies, but it's got nothing on Indian food.

Saying "I do"
Purely speculative...