Prepare(d) for the Invasion

Like most twenty-somethings, we had places to be and people to see this past Friday evening, so we didn't watch the Olympic Opening ceremony when it aired. We did however tape it, and that was a good decision. HOLY SHIT!!! We've never seen anything more awe inspiring. SHIT!!! It was spectacular and yet at the same time humbling. Massive in size, ambition, and numbers. Perfectly organized, wonderfully innovative and creative, yet filled with mechanical precision. And on top of everything there always seemed to be a prevailing feeling that the whole was always more important than the individual. So really, the performance was China in the proverbial nutshell, or bamboo shell, or whatever.

Yes we were astounded by the beauty and pageantry, but through it all we couldn't help but think, if they can do all this for a glorified pep-rally, what the fuck would they bring to the table if they ever decide to fight someone. The night after watching it we dreamt a dream of a billion little Chinamen armed with shovels and chopsticks coming across the Pacific and just kicking the shit out of...Mexico, just for fun, and we joined in too, just to be dicks. "This Taco Bell shit sucks, you bastards!!!"

But in all seriousness, we took a Chinese Culture and History class in college (thanks liberal arts education) and so that pretty much makes us experts on China (it would for FOX News) and according to what we studied, China is so insular in everything that they are and do, that spreading their boundaries will always be of the least of their interests. Too bad they pretty much feel that Taiwan is China and someday they might just decide that they want it back. After that opening ceremony, we say just let em have whatever the hell they want.

But on the bright side, we imagine the Aliens have satellite, and so they probably watched it too, and if so they want none of China either. You've got lasers and anal probes...shit bitches, we've got 1 billion Chinese dudes with synchronized drums and shit. Hell, just send a few thousand of these box/typewriter guys to wherever the spaceship lands and the aliens will be so freaked out, that we'll all be able to go on speaking Mandarin in peace.