We have recently decided that it's in the best interest of the blog for us to go to graduate school. It has nothing to do with the attraction of reentering a land of young sexually-charged females--no we're doing this because by improving our writing abilities and broadening our worldviews, we will ultimately deliver a better product to you, our faithful readers. As a requirement for graduate school admittance, we have to take the GRE. Now we are no Mensa members, and since the inherent douscheyness of standardized tests fail to pickup on our je ne sais quoi, we have decided to do something relatively new to us...study.
So far our favorite study spot has been a local Starbucks. We enjoy the eclectic music play lists and it has been a good medicine for our Yellow Fever, but the other day we felt like mixin-it-up. As much as we enjoy "our"Starbucks, it is still big-bad corporate America and we would rather support a local business, so we tried our luck at Genuine Joe's. We know, a rather kitsch name for a coffee joint, what was Central Perk already taken?
After going in, buying a cup, and settling in, we took a quick survey of the place and became very happy with our decision. Created out of an old house, the place has a great feel. It's bohemian-hipster attitude fits into the culture of our fair city well, but it's in a neighborhood where it doesn't come across as cliche since its only competition is Starbucks. We were digging the place, but gradually the places mood, and ours started to shift.
Something was up, and looking back now, we should've caught on much sooner. Here's what we're talking about: 1) The music list was great, but it was oddly heavy with The Smiths. 2) We have rarely, if ever, seen so many angry tattoos. 3) There was a funny amalgam of mullets, mohawks and hair dye. 4) Hugs were being thrown around left-and-right, and these weren't--hey nice to see you hugs--these hugs lingered. We had stumbled into a LESBIAN COFFEE SHOP!!!
If you'll refer back to the "Things We're Afraid OF," post from a few weeks back, you'll remember that we are deathly fearful of lesbians. Now before anyone gets there baggy jeans in a bunch, the phobia doesn't stem from the sexual practices--no it stems from the fact that we're fearful of anyone (man, woman, gay, straight) who rocks some variation of flat-top, has an art nouveau tat of something getting killed, and can beat us up. It just so happens that most people that fit into this category are females playing for the other team.
We tried to hold it together and just study, and we did alright until Open-Mic Session started. We can't recall the name of the band, we'll call them The Rug Dusters (Thanks, we'll be here all week!), but their lead singer was too much. Dressed to kill, with a full-length skirt and camouflage tank top, we could not take our eyes off of her tattoo. It appeared to be a monarch butterfly emptying rounds from an AK-47.
We had to get out, but since we had fielded a few dirty looks from the other patrons--for simply being there--the contrarian in us wanted a Costanza exit...We had our belongings pulled tightly to our non mamarried chest, and when the Menstrual errrrrr!!! we mean Minstrel, called out for requests, we cried out, "Pink Triangle" and ran for the door.
Everyone's a little queer,
Can't she be a little straight.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjy3XbxMW1A
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3 comments:
Dude, you gotta hit that. Lesbians are horny as hell. Yes it's true that there really are chicks who are only into other chicks. But... the vast majority are girls who like dudes, but for one reason or another it hasn't worked out for them. Maybe their first BF sucked in bed, or they've gotten shit on by past guys. The point I'm trying to make is that most lesbians are that way because they'd rather be with someone, anyone, rather then be alone. This is where you come in my friend.
Lesbians are incrediblly vulnerable. Once you get past that fem-nazi bullshit they are just like every other girl, except 10 times hornier. You just hit the poontang jackpot. They want to switch back to the other side. It's your job to facilitate this change.
Q: What is the Highway to Pussy paved with?
A: Lesbians!
Remember the scene in Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon tells off that Barry Manilow douche in the bar:
See, the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years you're gonna start doin' some thinkin' on your own and you're gonna come up with the fact that ... you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fuckin' education you coulda got for a $1.50 in late charges at the public library
If you want to write, write. Be careful about putting yourself in debt. You may end up digging yourself a hole that you can't get out of. Do you think Mark Twain, Ernest Hemmingway, or John Steinbeck went to Graduate School? Shit, not one of them even graduated from College. No editor or publishing house is going to give two shits where, or if, you went to Graduate School. The only thing they care about is the quality of your work. Save yourself the coin. Hit up the local Library, have some life experiences so you have something interesting to write about, and finally... WRITE!
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