Do as I Say, Not as I Do

There are many common events, occurrences, tasks, and situations that annoy, miff, infuriate, or even irk us. Unless of course, you* are the one doing it.

*[Smokey The Bear Robot: Only who can prevent forest fires?…(Bart presses “you” over “me”)…Smokey The Bear Robot: You pressed “you”, referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is “you”.]

I have compiled an opposite-of-exhaustive list below of things we do, but annoys us when someone else does them.

• Merging as late as possible in traffic.


• Walking diagonally across a thoroughfare.


• Holding excessive seats at a movie. This is similar to saving spots in line.


• Scalping tickets. You are either “pricing out the real fans”, or it is a free market economy. No in between.


• Making a wise crack after a movie preview.


• Breaking wind in a crowded area.


• Clogging a public toilet. You think to yourself, “What asshole would leave this?” However, when you cause that mess, you blame it on poorly maintained facilities.


• Not picking up a missed paper towel jump shot off the floor.


• Rubbernecking. You know you were just cussing about the idiots that are slowing down to watch, but you can help but take a peek…you are right there.


• Watching Deal or No Deal. You won’t admit it, but you catch a segment from time to time. While you are watching it you ponder, "Why would anyone watch this show?".


• Doing the Robot. With apologies to Kite, you always think the dude on the dance floor doing the robot is out of line…unless that person is you. In which, case you are probably ventriloquistically [this word has been fabricated] requesting some oil for the rusty hinge in your elbow.


• Putting in extra effort for a notch in the belt. You always think your buddy is doing too much work, but if it is you asking about her childhood pet…well you are just trying to get the job done.


• Not refilling the Brita container. This is akin to “Not replacing the water jug” at the office cooler, but much more difficult to get away with. In both cases, the person seeking the water questions the morality of the person who had the last cup.


• Talking on a cell phone or texting while driving. Whenever you realize someone that is driving like an asshole is using a cell phone, you probably say/think to yourself, “Hang up the phone, you dick”. Note: While you are saying/thinking this, you are probably on your cell phone.


• Obnoxiously playing miniature golf. I really do not know any other way to play, but whenever someone else is doing it, I always think, “What a classless prick. There are kids around.” I then proceed to dead-leg a buddy, who bellows a curse in front of those very children.


• Others include: Slacking off at work. Not recycling. Not re-racking weights at the gym. Inside jokes. Talking about someone behind their back. Holding everyone up while you take a group picture.
  

Please feel free to include your own ideas in the comments section, but do not include “writing a post about things that are ok to do only when you are the one doing it.” That would be hackneyed and inappropriate…unless you were me.