Red Flags

When out on a date there are red flags, and then there are RED FLAGS. The first date or two with someone is basically an interview, where you ask a bunch of questions trying to find out why no one else has taken a serious interest in them. As we get older we feel we should just start with, "So, what's wrong with you?"

We understand that no one is perfect, look at us, try as we might, we can't quite turn our six-pack into an eight, so we've developed a bit of a red flag sliding scale. Here are some examples.

Bad taste in music => you better dress well and have cute hair
History of mental illness in the family => no problem if you've got nice legs
Smoke cigarettes => you better brush your teeth often and give mad head
Been married before => you better be SUPER fine and not totally crazy

It's give-and take, and all about evening out. If you fall short in one place but you've got extra credit in another, then what the hell let's give it a shot.

This past weekend we had date number two with our co worker's daughter, you remember, the smoking hot teen-aged Halle Berry look-a-like. Well our first date didn't go well, yes seeing The Dark Knight on IMAX was completely badass, but prior to that, dinner conversation was painful at best. As there wasn't much to talk about other than, "So what's your favorite ______?" Here are some of her rather peculiar answers.

Favorite Restaurant - Applebees
Favorite Musical Act - The Pussycat Dolls
Favorite Class - "Oh I'm not in school, I'm a checker at HEB (grocery store)."
Favorite Movie - Scar Face (If you could see this girl this would baffle you.)
Favorite Hobby - watching TV

Some other kickers: she shares a room (and bed) with her mom, she found our undying love for Harry Potter disturbing, she had never heard of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and when she complemented us on our looks and we responded by saying we were going for a bit of a Bohemian thing, she asked if Bohemian meant something like a Viking.

But despite all this, thanks to her stunning features and figure, and that whole white whale thing of ours, we were planning on suppressing our laughter and frustrations until we could...well we think you know. But alas, she planted a red flag in our dating mind that left us with wide eyes, white knuckles, and desperately seeking the nearest exit.

Through her mother, we had learned that her father had died about a year ago. We felt that this, while tragic, was probably none of our concern and might actually work in our favor -- daddy issues tend to bring certain benefits. So we're sitting there and for some reason she brought up her dead dad, we nodded respectfully and she asked, "Oh did my mom tell you guys about my dad?" Thinking this meant, we had been told simply of his passing, we gave her a sorrowful "yes."

She then broke down and started talking to us about all kinds of details she thought we knew. Stuff like -- she witnessed her cop dad attack her mom with a stranglehold and punch that broke her dome and put her in intensive care for a month. Then the dude made a run for it, was a fugitive, and when the law was closing in, iced himself.

Umm...Check please!